"No, a lifetime's not too long to live as friends"

So I've been away for awhile and I apologize, but we've had a lot going on this summer.  The chief of which being a major health scare involving my best friend.

After many procedures, medications, and a double lung transplant, I am so happy to say that God answered our prayers for healing. Don't think I'm down playing this entire two month journey, because it has been a very long road, but I want to tell you why I am so thankful for this wonderful woman in my life and what rock solid faith in God can give us.

I moved to a new high school and town in 1995 (I'm getting older, I know) for my sophomore year. I didn't know a soul and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had had a rough freshman year, but with no friends and fresh out of an abusive relationship, I didn't know how I would survive. Everyday someone new picked on me because I dressed in combat boots and pig tails, mismatched patterns and dyed hair (orange/red, depending on what teacher you asked). I struggled again my sophomore year, but managed to scrape by with lots of new, mean nicknames to go by. (Kids in school can be really, really mean.)

I wrote very 'confessional' poetry all year, but found the release I needed in writing. I prayed constantly that I would find someone that I could call mine. Someone that would accept me for the odd and weird person I was, but felt my pleas weren't being hear let alone answered. I had been burned by so many people whose standards I didn't meet and had lost too many to early deaths. At some point I just gave up because I thought it would be easier to have no friends than to lose any more. I also began hoping that darker things would happen just so I didn't have to deal with anything anymore. I had hit the bottom of the barrel.

(Check out Plumb's song "Need You Now" for a great message on this matter--love her!)

And that's when I was blessed with a ball of sunshine in my life. Literally.  I met a red-headed, fiery attitude Paula on the first day of my Junior year. I had survived the summer, but was still shaky. We shared Chemistry and English classes together. She was fun, smart, and fit in so well with all kinds of people. I still remember that first conversation in which she offered to give me a ride in her convertible, yellow VW Beetle. She also gave me her phone number. That was not just a phone line, it became my life line.

Almost every Friday after that was spent at the midnight movies, driving through town, eating new foods (she's an AMAZING cook), or just acting crazy. We had graduated before we even knew people had parties in high school, we just had that much clean fun. Over time, things got better. Life wasn't so dark anymore. And because Paula knew so many people, more classmates were nicer to me and I ended up with quite a number of friends by the time we graduated.

Through the years, we've had our ups and down and drifted apart and back together. But she has always been the one person I could pour all my fears, hopes, and dreams out to.  It's been amazing to watch our lives evolve, both of us with God fearing husbands, and each with three beautiful children.

When she became sick, I was terrified of losing the one person that knows me better than I know myself. I prayed harder for her healing than I have ever prayed for anything else. I knew that God could heal her, even more, I believed He would. (She and I have a long journey to get through before we're causing trouble in the nursing home one day.) I also knew my faith had to remain rock steady.

Mark 11:21-23 shows us an exchange between Peter and Jesus regarding our faith in God's ability.

"and Peter remembered and said to him, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree that you cursed has withered." And Jesus answered them, "have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him."

That's not to say we can actually make a mountain move. But when we cry out to the Lord, He hears us. He feels our hurt, happiness, our everything. He felt that hurt in me all those years ago and provided healing for me, so when I cried out I knew He would heal her and strengthen me so I could be the friend she needed during this time. I can't thank God enough for Paula and I can't thank her enough for always being there for me and accepting me for the weirdo and I am. (I love you girl!)

But I left my trail of breadcrumbs right here two days ago...

Do you ever experience one of those times in life where you find yourself irritated with everything and everyone around you and then one last thing happens and you anger absolutely eats you alive? Everything that you've been storing up and holding in boil to the surface and explode because someone chopped down your raspberry bushes, and you find yourself yelling at a woman in the Speedway parking lot because she has her door wide open and can't figure out how to buckle a seat belt. Never? Well, maybe that's just me. (I didn't actually yell at her, just gripped in my car, but it's all the same sin.)

I tend to loose myself every so often to my anger and forget who I am and don't know how to get back to who I should be. Or sometimes, I worry over situations I can't fix (or don't need fixing in the first place) and wonder what I've done wrong, only to get mad all over again that I don't have an answer. And before I know it all of my relationships are out of whack and I've hurt people I never even intended to. Then, I find myself in such a state of loneliness and despair that I don't how I'll have find my way back. Simply put, like Hansel and Gretel, I feel lost.

Let me just tell you, that is the devil taking over and making me (our you) think that I have no one and no thing to rely on. He feeds my anger with lies and my despair with second-guessing and insecurities. David experienced the same feelings and wrote about this in Psalm 31:9-16

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach, especially to my neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in the street flee from me. I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel. For I hear the whispering of many - terror on every side! - as they scheme together against me, as they plot to take my life. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love!"

David couldn't do anything to relieve the heartache he experienced, and neither can I, but God can. He is ready everyday to save me and hold me in His undying love.

Psalm 25:15 shows us David again asking the Lord, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."

One of my favorite singers is Plumb, and she tends to have lyrics for almost every situation in life. She had a big hit in 2010 entitled "God Shaped Hole" in which she sings the chorus,

"There's a God shaped hole in all of us,
and the restless soul is searching,
there's a God shaped hole in all of us,
It's a void only He can fill."

If I rely on only myself to get through tough times, I will never be anything but a "broken vessel" or a "restless soul." Remember in those times when the devil is surrounding you with a black forest of anger, hate, and hurt with no visible exit, filling your head with lies, that God is there waiting to guide you safely through. (No breadcrumbs needed.)

I'm totally "Worn" out

"'Cause I'm worn, my prayers are wearing thin
and I'm worn, even before the day begins
I'm worn, I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn, Heaven come and flood my eyes."

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, or months? Where you just feel so worn and tired and don't want to even think about getting out of the bed? I know I do.

 I enjoy volunteering, love my job, and come home to a great family that I cook and clean for, but I'm exhausted all the time. I'm treated with two iron pills and a B12 supplement for my energy level and a muscle relaxer for my spasms every day. I thought this medicine was enough to help me out, but when I woke up on Wednesday night to discover the family had left me sleeping on the couch instead of waking me for church, I began to think maybe I have too many irons in the fire.


Then, I was reminded today that I go to far, push to hard, and could be at risk for burning out at some point. My first thought was "What? I always go, go, go." But when I stopped and thought about it, I probably do way to much all the time.


Time to scale it back.

David sings in Psalm 127:2 "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."

And after hearing this song by Tenth Avenue North again on Air1, I realized I need to slow down and return my focus to the Lord because in Him I will find rest. 

Tomorrow is Saturday! This college kids are cooking breakfast at church and the rest of the day I get to spend hanging with my kiddos. I hope you all get to rest and relax and have a great weekend!

"Step Out the Way"

Without a doubt, Tobymac is one of my favorite Christian artists on the radio and sadly I missed the opportunity to see him on the Winter Jam tour this year. However, I can still jam to his music whenever I have my iPod plugged in (which is always).

His current song "Steal My Show" is a perfect example of how we all should strive to be: being a person that recognizes that God is in control. So hand over those reigns buddies because every blessing we have ever received has come from Him and it came at a hefty price. The following is the later part of the song.

"No matter who we are, no matter what we do
Every day we can choose to say ...
If You wanna steal my show, I'll sit back and watch You go
If You got somethin' to say, go on and take it away
Need You to steal my show, can't wait to watch You go
So take it away

My life
My friends
My heart
It's all Yours, God
Take it away
My dreams
My fears
My family
My career
Take it away
Take it away
It's all Yours, God
Take it away
Take it away
It's You I wanna live for"

As a human, I have hopes for my children, a dream of being published, and fears that I'll be an ultimate failure in life as a parent, wife, etc. But because Christ gave His life on the cross, I dream of who I can be in Him, have a hope of a home in Heaven, and most importantly, I live for Him who died for me.

Romans 12:1 tells us "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."

Tomorrow is Easter and many churches will be celebrating Christ's resurrection. If I (and the rest of the planet) weren't a weak person prone to sin, His sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary. John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

Did you catch that? He sacrificed his son. Am I really worth that much? And as a parent, could I or you do that? Thankfully, He's not asking us to sacrifice our children, but ourselves to Him. 

Paul tells us in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."

So, as Tobymac says "So I'll step out the way, I'll give you center stage...Take it away, it's you I wanna live for."

Background Check, testing 1...2...3...

OK, let's see if I still remember how to do this. Sorry it's been so long, but I've been trying to focus on being January's post.

As you know, I really enjoy Christian music. I listen to Air1 daily and follow most of their DJs on facebook (Brandt Hansen being my favorite; if you haven't listened to him, you need to, he's hilarious). One of the songs I've been wanting to write about for awhile is "Background" by Lecrae. 

I know, I know. You're thinking, "but he's a rapper." I suggest listening to this song if you haven't. The entire song is an amazing mix of thoughts that can apply to all of us.

In this song, Lacrae is singing about taking the background in his life so that God can lead his way, write his words, and help him bring others to Christ.

My favorite line from the first stanza is when he says: 

“I don't need my name in lights, I don't need a starring role, 

Why gain the whole wide world, If I'm just going lose my soul.” 

He goes on to sing: 

“'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessing 

That I'm not that impressive, matter of fact 

I'm who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar”

Lacrae realizes that we can't make it in this life alone and that if we rely on ourselves alone, we will seek out glory for ourselves and end up leading others on similar paths of destruction. 

Lecrae also knows, like we all should, that God is in total control of our lives, of everything. His line: 

“'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed 

And no longer trust in you, 'cause I only trust in me

And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction

Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing

You pulled my card, I'm bluffing, You know what's in my hand

Me, I just roll and trust you, You cause the dice to land

I'm in control of nothing, follow you at any cost

Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss”

We can’t rely on ourselves to succeed in life.  It’s like the old aphorism says, we will end up on the ’road to hell that’s been paved with good intentions.’ “The meaning of the phrase is that individuals may do bad things even though they intend the results to be good” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_road_to_hell_is_paved_with_good_intentions) . 

I also love that he call God ‘the boss’ and that he will follow him no matter what. We should all be following this line in life.

In Luke 9:23 Jesus tells us ‘And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’ Take up your cross daily, not just when you feel like you have too. Being a follower of Christ is challenging in today’s world, but God makes it very rewarding.

The bridge of this song is the best (in my humble opinion). Lecrae sings to God that he’s safest in life when he follows God’s will for him, instead of his own intentions. We are all easily blinded by the world when we seek for ourselves.

“I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word

I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred

And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games

Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name.”

Are your actions glorifying God’s name? Are you trusting in Him alone?

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

“And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead.” 

Are you willing to take the background in your life and allow God to lead you safely through?

You Really Have a Wonderful Life

Every year, I watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve with my family. Sometimes I cheat and watch it at other times throughout the year when I need a pick me up, but it has always been one of my favorite movies. The simple story of a man who gives his all to others while giving up his personal dreams of his future gets me every time.

While watching the movie this last Christmas, my fourteen year old made a comment along the lines of me reminding her of George Bailey when he looses his temper after finding out about the missing $8,000 dollars. She said I seem irritated like him sometimes, (not that she means anything bad by that). But that got me to thinking, what kind of impression am I making on my children if I allow my temper to break loose on those that I love? Instead, I should be teaching them to deal with something rationally and in a Biblical manner.

According to IMDB.com "George Bailey is a man who has great ambitions, but things don't seem to go quite right for. He is selfless and honorable." We see many examples of his selflessness throughout the film. One of the most powerful for me was when George gave his college money to his younger brother Harry, because he had to stay and run the Building and Loan after the sudden death of his father.

The Bible tells us in Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."

We should be striving to help others through their life journeys, not just looking out for ourselves.

He was also a very honorable man. George had such great plans for his future. All his friends had already graduated and were making names for themselves, but he knew where he was needed and more importantly WHO needed him and couldn't say no to staying in Bedford Falls.

Romans 12:17 tells us "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all."

So here's my New Year's resolution. This year I am striving to be a more honorable and selfless person. To teach my children the "JOY" method: Jesus, Others, Yourself. And also to remind myself that most things are not worth getting mad over (especially since I didn't misplace $8,000.00). Because raising my children in a happy environment, as opposed to an anger poisoned one, will further their walk with Christ. And that walk my good peeps makes it a truly wonderful life.

I'm a total sellout... I used the 'G' word

A gentleman called the office a few weeks ago and was looking for an email address. While looking for the information he says to me, "I think I remember who you are, you work in the back right?" To which I replied, "No, I'm the little goth girl that works out front." And of course he says, "Hey! Yeah, I do know who you are."

Then, a few nights later, my fourteen year old daughter was complaining that one of her teachers dresses like a teenager. I said 'Well, I dress like a goth,' and she replies 'Yeah mom, but goth is normal, she's just dressing weird.' 

Wow... I managed to floor even myself by describing myself that way... twice. It may not be the image I see of myself, but it is the image others see of me. People do not have the ability to see anything but the outside and a lot of time I have to answer questions as to whether or not I'm a pagan. Ugh......

However, there is one individual that sees straight into the heart of my very soul, that I can never sell out for,  and that of course is God.

Matthew 15:8 quotes from Isaiah, saying, ‘This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me;' I can praise God to everyone around me, but if I don't keep my heart set on Him and His love, then I am set apart from Him.

David asked God in Psalm 26:1-2  "Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind. For your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in your faithfulness." We should also be asking God to test our hearts and minds continually to make sure we are following after Him. 

God desires for my heart to love Him above all and Christ tells his followers (including me) in Luke 26:27 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

"Love them with the love of Jesus" is what I tell myself constantly. I might see very crusty exteriors on the people I deal with, but God sees their heart and mine. He knows the thoughts I think about them whether they be good or bad. It drives me crazy when people judge me by my exterior and not the interior of my heart; so why am I doing that to other people?

The only way to change that, is to change the way you treat people and to make sure that at every point in the day you are loving with the love of Jesus. And maybe by doing this, instead of people describing me with the "G" word Goth, or describing me as "the lady with short, black hair that dresses in vampire clothes," they'll say 'That's the girl, the girl after God's own heart."